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Fun and Fanservice
Fun and Fanservice: By: User:Pastrami on Rye NOTE: This story contains content that may not be suitable for some readers! Reader discretion is advised! NOTE: This story is incomplete as of now! I hope to complete it as soon as I can! ''' Chapter 1: The Mysterious Letter: '''Croft Manor - 8:00a.m. "Your breakfast, Lady Croft?" Rang the voice of Winston Smith from down the hallway. "About time, Winston!" Lara Croft replied impatiently, clad in her Underworld outfit as she tightened her hiking boots, not looking up. "I found a cliff deep in the woods behind the house, and I'll need all the fuel I can get to scale it!" "Right then." Winston replied, setting the tall glass of beaten eggs onto the table before noticing the footprint that Lara's boot had left on it. Not wanting to make a scene, he tried to keep his mouth shut about it but not before the word "Oh!" slipped out. "Aww, did I leave a smudge on my own house?! I guess that's one more thing you can clean up while I'm gone!" Lara replied knowingly, now putting both feet onto the table and picking up the glass, only to get even angrier. "...And I asked for yolks! Do egg-whites offer enough protein for a bloody hike? NO!" She shouted, dumping the glass all over Winston. "Now clean that up, and make it again! And use seasoning this time too! There's nothing worse than bland eggs!" "Uhh, yes ma'am!" Winston replied, hurrying off, muttering: "I say, she could definitely learn to respect her elders. Her mum had the exact same behavioural problem." "I heard that!" Lara replied, "And if I hear one more of your attempts at humour, I'll lock you in the fridge again! By the way, if we're out of eggs, then make me some coffee instead. BLACK!" The doorbell rang. "Oh, and could you get that too?!" Within the next ten minutes, Winston had returned with a folded newspaper, a stack of envelopes and a steaming coffee mug. As soon as he neared the table, Lara nonchalantly snatched the mug from him. "Care to sort through all that mail for me?" She asked, suddenly much calmer than she had just been. "Oh, of course, of course." Winston replied, laying all the mail out on the tabletop, "I'm assuming you're not interested in checking the newspaper?" "Well there's something you've actually caught onto." Lara replied, her eyes glued to her beverage as if hypnotized. "Ahem. So, bill, bill, junk, Archaeologists' Monthly, bill, junk, wetsuit catalog..." Winston rambled on, before he came across a single bright red envelope within the pile of white mail. It had no return address, and was sealed shut with a metallic pink sticker shaped like the symbol for feminism, (a ring with a small plus sign sticking off the bottom of it) with what looked to be an NES controller sticking through the ring. "Um, I think you may want to have a look at this, Miss Croft." Winston said, looking back up and holding the ominous envelope. "Well whatever it is, it looks like quite the eyesore, so how about you read it?" Lara replied. "Ah, yes, of course." Winston replied, opening the envelope to find an unsigned letter on reddish-orange paper, written in typewriter-style font. The letter read: Congratulations! You have officially been selected to join '''S'amuel E'lliott '''X'avier's 'U'niversal 'A'ssociation for 'L'adies! '' "Oh, that's clever! The acronym for the company's name spells 'sexual'? I'll never understand how younger people think these days." Lara interrupted, not noticing Winston roll his eyes. The base of operations for this organization is at a sleep-away camp in a classified location, and is intended for female video-game characters who are regarded as sex objects or sex symbols in the outside world. The purposes of this program are to help those who fit this bill not only cope with their sex appeal, but also to take advantage of it in meaningful ways. Additionally, it is also a way to let people from various worlds within the video-game universe mingle with those from separate worlds and tour their residences. In shock, Lara accidentally spat out a large gulp of coffee right in Winston's face, soaking his hair and staining his dress shirt, as well as covering the letter in small brown drips. "What the hell is this?!" She demanded. "You mustn't look at me, I just picked up the mail!" Winston replied, trying to wring out his sport coat. "Give me that!" Lara snapped, snatching the letter from him, somehow not ripping it in the process. She continued to read it for herself... This club has already been in session for years, but we are still looking for new members! If you are interested in participating, please continue reading! If you are not, please continue anyway as this might change your mind! On the 9th of June, you must pack your things, and report to the bus stop nearest to your place of residence. We cannot give you an exact time for when the bus you should board will arrive, but we do know it will be before noon in your timezone. Enclosed in this letter is a special ticket needed to get onto it. The ticket has a barcode on it that glows when the source of a special chemical is nearby; (in this case, that chemical is in the paint that is used on the exterior of the bus). From there, you and many other objectified heroines will be transported to our establishment. Upon arrival, you will receive a proper introduction. We look forward to seeing you! "Damn, these people don't know what they're talking about!" Lara said, crumbling the letter up and angrily tossing it to the floor. However, upon landing, the paper ball bounced upwards unrealistically, landed on the table and sprang back into its normal form, but with different text: Please do not ignore or attempt to destroy this letter, as it is important for the future of the video game universe! We highly, HIGHLY recommend that you take this grand opportunity and participate in the camp, particularly for the purposes of dispelling your reputation as nothing but blatant and unnecessary fanservice, and possibly improving upon your current skills and gaining new ones! "Alright, alright, no need to get your knickers in a bind!" Lara replied, even though no one had spoken to her, "I guess I'll go if it means gaining knowledge and even becoming more famous for making new discoveries. It's not like I have anything else to spend my summer doing, due to them hiring someone else to host a reboot of my series...and the fact that a third actress was hired to host a spin-off of it." "Well, I assume you'll need to get ready, for there is only one day more until that shuttle comes!" Winston replied. "Yes, but the thing is, why would they consider me a 'sex object'?" Lara continued. "Wellll, you do cut the legs off of every wetsuit you get in the mail, and always make sure to show at least a small amount of skin no matter the climate, and..." Winston started. "What?!" Lara replied, turning around. "D'uhh, nothing!" Winston cut himself off. "Hmm, well maybe whoever runs this camp will tell me tomorrow. I'll pack after I get back from that hike!" Lara continued, slipping on a pair of brown fingerless gloves. "Certainly." Winston replied. "Waaaaaiit, a minute! You still didn't clean up the mess in this room like I told you to do, eh?!" She replied, stomping towards her frightened butler and pulling him down the hallway by his wrinkly ear. "Oh no! Please! NOT THE FRIDGE AGAAAAAAIIIIIINNNN!!!!" Winston moaned as he was dragged along. Chapter 2: A Bumpy Ride: '''Bus Stop - 8:30a.m. The next morning, Lara stood patiently yet apprehensively at the bus stop which happened to be right next to the opening to the lengthy driveway leading up to Croft Manor. She was examining the mysterious bus ticket in her right hand while effortlessly balancing a stack of two large duffel bags on top of her left bicep, occasionally looking up at the quiet neighborhood streets, and watching other buses pass by. However, no amount of anxiety could prepare her for when the ticket spontaneously started to glow neon yellow. The shock caused Lara to recoil, shielding her eyes briefly. When she came to, the bus had stopped. "Showed up by nine o'clock! Not bad!" She said, "Well, here goes." Just as she took a step closer to the curb, the doors opened, followed by the unrolling of a red carpet. Obediently, Lara stepped into the bus, and handed her ticket to the driver. The driver was a blonde woman in her late 40s at the very least, wearing a red business suit with a rather short skirt, a matching cap and pair of high-heels, and what appeared to be no shirt or bra beneath the sport coat, (which was only held shut by two buttons in the middle). She was sitting in a provocative pose on the seat. "Yes, I'm here to go to, uh, Samuel Elliott Xavier's..." Lara started. "Shhh!" The bus driver warned, lifting a wrinkly finger with a pointed red nail up to her lips as she said this. She quickly closed the door. "So you're headed for 'SEXUAL', huh? Well you're in the right place, hun!" She said in a coarse Italian-American accent as she took the ticket and scanned it, before popping it into a shredder that was built into the dashboard. As Lara was staring in curiosity at the bus driver's name-tag, (which read "Whorian Sluttsworth") she was taken by surprise as a pair of curvaceous bellhops in sparkly gold leotards that exposed the majority of their large chests and rears swiped her duffel bags right from her and plopped them onto a luggage cart before wheeling it down the aisle. "Well, what are you waiting for? Sit down! Relax!" Whorian said. Lara nodded and started down the aisle, shooting glances at everyone around her, as well as the interior of the bus, which appeared to be huge despite looking no larger than a normal bus from the outside. The walls and ceilings were painted gold, the floor was covered in shagged red carpet and the ceiling was lined with small, yet shiny crystal chandeliers. The seats were covered with bright pink silk upholstery peppered with symbols that matched the one present on the letter that Lara had received yesterday. Finally, the bus had windows that were tinted black to the point where nobody could see through them no matter which side they were on, and were framed with individual curtains that matched the upholstery on the seats. Lara finally chose to sit in an empty seat near the back, and was surprised at how soft the cushions were upon sitting on them. "Not bad so far!" She said to herself, before noticing the same bellhops that had taken her luggage pushing the luggage cart to the back of the bus a second time. "...And they definitely weren't joking when they said 'sexual'." She continued, before feeling the bus start to move. Within minutes, the bus had already neared the large iron gate separating the neighborhood from the main road. However, instead of going through it, the bus made a right turn (after sending a hologram of itself off onto the street) onto a dirt path only visible to those inside it and after turning itself invisible to the public, started heading towards the foot of the mountains. While on the way across the expansive field, the same bellhops started moving up and down the aisle yet again, this time carrying platters of mugs and plates, tossing them off in random directions like frisbees, so that they landed on the passenger seats, somehow not spilling their contents in the process. While she was eyeing the unusual spectacle, Lara overheard whispering voices coming from the seats directly in front of her. There were two women in those seats, one with a blonde ponytail and a purple spaghetti-strap top over a white tank top, and another with messy black hair and a red top. "Who is she?" The latter woman asked, her accent Australian. "I dunno, but I can see why she's here. I'll bet her cup size is the equivalent to a Dutch Oven!" The blonde woman replied, (as Lara gasped quietly behind her) before taking a quick glance backward. "Do you think she's Australian too? Her complexion matches yours almost perfectly!" She continued. "Oh, don't be racist!" The other woman replied. "Ahem." Lara cleared her throat, prompting them both to look behind them. "A simple 'hello, who are you' would have sufficed, rather than spouting rubbish about the person you're curious about." Lara started, "In any case, my name is Lara Croft, from the Tomb Raider universe - that would be the universe we're pulling out of - and in case you were wondering, I'm British." "Told you!" The black-haired woman said to her cohort, "Anyways, I'm Chloe Frazer, and the imbecile next to me is Elena Fisher. We're from the Uncharted universe!" Chloe said. "Imbecile?! IMBECILE?!" Elena countered, "Says the one who makes herself too easy!" "Oh? Like it's my fault Nathan wanted this arse!" Chloe replied. "You're still talking about that?! Well I married him!" Elena replied. "Yeah? Well I'' slept with him! Multiple times!" Chloe countered. "Nyah!" Elena said. "Nyah!" Chloe mocked back. The two then started to comically flap their hands in front of each other, giving off a series of slapping noises as their hands collided. Lara rolled her eyes and sat back, but was taken by surprise as a mug of what appeared to be hot chocolate and a small plate of cookies landed miraculously right in the cup-holder to her right and in her lap respectively. Each cookie was shaped like the feminism symbol, and was iced in either pink or red. "Okay, I think we all get it. This organization's only for women." Lara said to herself, as she inspected one of the cookies. "So I take it you're enjoying the refreshments?" A voice said. Lara looked up to realize it was Whorian, who was walking around to check on the passengers. "Wha-?" Lara started, only to be shushed once more. "Have you forgotten where you are? Anything can happen in the world of videogames!" Whorian said cheerfully, sitting down in the empty seat. "Oh, right." Lara replied, facepalming. "Anyway, those are our specialty. If there's one thing you won't need to worry about, it's that this camp has quality dining, and that there is your first taste of it." Whorian continued. Lara nodded though Whorian could tell that she was hesitating. "Oh, and don't worry. ''These cookies are'' incredibly'' low in calories, so even someone with a man-grubbing figure like yours can indulge all they want! And they'll really want to as well!" She continued. "Umm, okay." Lara nodded again uncomfortably, as it was not her figure that was preventing her from taking a bite. "Splendid!" The objectified bus driver said, forcefully moving her breasts back and forth as if adjusting them into place. She got up and walked back towards the front, making exaggerated hip-movements as she did so. After hesitating for a second more, Lara bit into the cookie, and was shocked at the taste. "Mmf! Shortbread?!" She said through chewing, "Ooh! With a chocolate center infused with red chile! They really weren't joking!" Lara was instantly hooked at the amazing flavor, and before she knew it, she had consumed the entire plate of cookies. Looking around for the hot chocolate that had also been given to her, she finally found it and, overtaken by thirst from eating all of the cookies, consumed the entire mug in just a few large gulps, for once not caring to mind her manners. Within a few minutes after this, Lara and everyone else on the bus (except for the driver and bellhops) had fallen asleep either in their seats, or on the floor, in heaps, or by themselves. Unbeknownst to them all, the hot chocolate and the filling inside the cookies had both been infused with powdered roofies, thus putting them into a deep sleep for the rest of the bus ride to this mysterious camp ground. Chapter 3: Introductions: Camp SEXUAL - 3:00p.m. By the time Lara Croft and all the other sexualized video game heroines came to, the bus had come to a complete stop. She sat up on her seat, her vision slowly becoming clearer as she looked around. Everyone else on the bus was also waking up, some finding themselves still in their own seats, and others finding themselves scattered across the floor. Some people sat up and took a considerable amount of time to recollect their bearings, and others, who were more wide awake, struggled to try and get out from under the piles of drowsy women. Chloe and Elena woke up to find that they had both fallen onto each other while asleep, and were now tangled up in a ridiculous pretzel-like formation, still sitting on their shared seat. "What the hell happened?" Lara said to herself, only to be startled and instantly awakened via the intercom. "Attention passengers!" Whorian began, "We are pleased to announce that we have successfully arrived at S'amuel '''E'lliott 'X'avier's 'U'niversal 'A'ssociation for 'L'adies! I see that you all fell asleep along the way! I understand! I get like that too, especially after sex, but don't we all?!" None of the passengers replied, clearly not finding the joke funny. "...Well, that aside, welcome to the camp! Please walk -- do not run -- to the front of the bus in a single-file line, and watch your step as you exit. And be sure to exercise caution when retrieving your baggage, as it may have shifted during the drive...though given what people can do with mesh and fabric these days, it probably won't be an issue for you youngsters. ...Get it?!" Whorian continued with a short laugh, once again to no response outside of a few eye-rolls. "Ugggghhh! Anyways, after finding your luggage, please hang tight and wait for further instructions." Whorian concluded, followed by a quick buzz from the microphone. As all the passengers in the bus started to get into an orderly line, Lara, Chloe, and Elena stood up, being the only three people in the back. "Alright, this is it!" Elena said, her voice sounding eager and worried at the same time. "Right." Chloe replied, before looking back at Lara. "Good luck!" She said, hugging Lara, who reluctantly hugged back for the sake of politeness. "Uh, you too." She replied. "Told you they weren't fake!" Chloe immediately said to Elena, causing Lara to grimace in shock. Once she had reclaimed her two duffel bags, Lara looked around, her eyes irritated by the late afternoon sunlight due to having been inside a bus with tinted windows for several hours. The camp ground was nothing but a spacious and grassy meadow, surrounded by a thick forest of pine trees, with the only visible entrance into the woods being a mulch path which the bus had taken. The camp itself consisted of what appeared to be endless log cabins, (each one complete with its own golf cart used for traveling along the expansive camp ground) scattered throughout the entire valley and sorted into circular groups built around fire pits. Much closer to her current position, there were four log buildings that were taller than the cabins, built along the edges of a large, circular mulch patch (which had a much larger fire pit in its center) attached to the end of the driveway. One building had a large sign that read "Check-Ins/Outs", one read "Cafeteria", one read "Counselor Lodging", and the other read "Swimming Pool Sign In". While admiring the entire camp, Lara was startled as Whorian once again picked up the megaphone. "Attention guests! Now that everyone has found their bags, it's finally time to be introduced to your cabins and roommates! So please! Everyone get into three single-file lines and wait for further instructions!" She said. Everyone obeyed. "Shit! Don't tell me she's going to bring us to the cabins one line at a time by herself!" Chloe said from the line to the right of Lara. "Yeah! With a camp this big, it'll take until Christmas!" Elena added from behind her. Suddenly, everyone began to stare in awe as Whorian proceeded to clasp her index and middle fingers together with one hand and place them on her nose, eyes shut. She then started to spin in place for a few seconds, before two translucent images of her suddenly appeared out of either side of her and spun in opposite directions, before stopping in front of each of the lines. Instantly, the holograms lost their translucency and became solid clones of Whorian, one clone wearing blue, and one wearing yellow. "You were saying?" The real Whorian said, only to not get any response, "Oh, I see how it is! Well then, I'm done trying to be funny, since none of you appreciate it! ...SO MOVE IT, SLUTS!!!" Everyone began heading for the cabins in an orderly fashion, each line following one of the three Whorians. During the trek of what felt like a few hours, the line that Lara was in (led by the Whorian clone in yellow) had only halved in size. She was relieved when the clone finally called out: "Cabin Q7! Lara Croft! ..." in the exact same voice as the original. Lara did not pay attention to the names of her cabin-mates as she hurried up to the cabin, even running past the Whorian duplicate, who was about to give her the cabin key. Wiping beads of sweat from her head, she opened the fortunately unlocked door, and, relieved by the air conditioning, set her duffel bags down on a random bunk and lay sprawled on her back, admiring the cabin's interior as best she could from that angle. Despite appearing as a log cabin from the outside, the cabin looked like a more urban-style house on the inside. Though not particularly fancy, the cabin was complete with white tiled floors and red door mats with the camp's emblem on them, along with middle-of-the-road wooden furniture such as nightstands and dressers, including one larger dresser against the wall across from the beds. On top of it was a vase with red, white, and pink roses in it, a glass bowl full of fresh tampons, and a very small machine full of white gumballs. There were also a few golden poles scattered around the room, connecting the ceiling to the floor, and an attached bathroom. And covering the walls of the entire cabin were posters of women with exaggerated features posing provocatively in bikinis while holding the controllers of just about every video-game console ever mreated, from the Atari to the PlayStation 4. But by far, the most exquisite part of the room was the double-decker bunk beds, with each bunk made up of a king-sized, spring-free mattress, and velvet bedding that matched the seat upholstery in the bus that Lara had ridden earlier. Once she had regained her composure, Lara sat back up and was shocked to see her two cabin-mates entering through the open door. One was very tall with her hair in a black pixie-cut, and was wearing a skintight, black bodysuit with skin-exposing holes running up the backs of her thick but firm legs. The other woman was shorter, but with more prominent proportions and had a blonde ponytail with a loose lock of hair on each side of her head. She was wearing even less, having only a tight, sleeveless, bright orange crop top with a small slit in it just below the collar, and matching mini-shorts and knee socks. Her socks were also covered in metallic frames that were shaped like stiletto heels. Before any of the them could say a word, the yellow-clad Whorian clone came to the open door, looking impatient. "I was holding out the key for you guys!" She said, "Yet, not one of you took it!" "Oh, how rude of me." The woman in black replied in an upper-class British accent as she took the key and gently stuffed it into one of the topmost holes on the backs of her legs. Thank God! I'm not the only Brit here! Lara thought. "And before I leave you all to get to know each other, here is a handbook for each of you, containing all sorts of cool junk, including the camp rules. Enclosed is your daily schedule, which is shared with your cabin-mates." The Whorian clone said. "Thank you, ma'am!" The woman in orange replied. "Alright, and one last thing: To celebrate your first day here, there will be a party tonight at 5:30, which you seriously can't miss. Dress nice, but dress sexy as well!" The clone finished. Everyone in the cabin nodded. "Swell! I guess I'll leave you guys to mingle for a while then!" She said, leaving. Nobody responded. "Finally, that obnoxious bitch is gone!" The woman in black said with a sigh. "Tell me about it." Lara replied in agreement, "And while I'm still talking, I'll introduce myself. Lara Croft, from the Tomb Raider universe." "Charmed." The woman in black replied, shaking hands, "I'm Bayonetta, and conveniently, my universe matches my name." "As for me, the name's Aran! Samus Aran! I'm from the Metroid universe." The woman in orange said, shaking the hands of both her cabin-mates. "Alright, so that's settled! Now to look at this rubbish!" Lara said, opening her handbook, "Okay, so here's the schedule: Let's see, get up at 6:30 in the morning, then 'Cabin Inspection', 'Breakfast', 'Sex Appeal Class', 'Sexy Martial Arts', and free time from 12:00-2:00. Then there's 'Sexifying Your Skills', which takes up the rest of the afternoon, then 'Dinner & Social Time', and then we have to be back in our cabins by 10:30." "Eh, seems interesting to say the least." Samus replied, also looking through her handbook. "It's quite amazing how many different classes they can come up with from just one category." Bayonetta added. Lara sighed. "You two can say what you want. You're probably used to your sex appeal back at home, but I'm no sex object, and I don't belong here!" She said. "Are you fucking serious?" Bayonetta asked. "Okay, that's two times already! Please watch your language!" Samus said. "Oh, hush. I'm sure you slip from time to time when you're in shock." Bayonetta replied. "Well, get this: I can't! My universe was created by Nintendo, so I can't curse. See? What the fffff....!" Samus replied. However, no more than the f-sound from the word could escape her mouth. Her cabin-mates watched as she sat there with a tense expression on her reddening face. Within 30 seconds, she passed out, only to come to almost instantly, though a bit lightheaded. Lara rolled her eyes and stood up, looking at herself in a mirror on the wall next to the dresser with the roses on it. "I mean, I guess I'm in shape and such, and I do maintain a healthy and active lifestyle, but..." She started. "'In shape'?!" Bayonetta asked, "Oh, you're more that that! You look gorgeous! Even I'm feeling a little jealous!" "Yeah, with a body like that, you'd be catching Reggie's balls!" Samus added. "Who?" Lara asked. "Oh, forget it. It's a Nintendo thing." Samus replied. "But seriously though! Anyone worth sodium chloride would get that I do not fit that bill!" She said, "You could ask anyone in my universe, and they'd say that I do not flirt with people, or make sexual references in everything I say. I believe there is more to women than sex appeal, and I don't believe that sexuality is the right way to solve problems!" "Yup, she's an archaeologist." Bayonetta muttered, leaning in towards Samus. "Excuse me?" Lara asked, "Just how is that relevant to what I'm saying?" "Well, not only do you dress like one, but you talk as if you have a textbook shoved up your arse." Bayonetta replied, "Just judging by how you said 'sodium chloride' instead of 'salt'." "Ugghhhh!" Lara groaned, frustrated at how no one was taking her seriously. "In all seriousness though, I agree with you somewhat. Back in my universe, I fight with brute force to solve problems, and I never show off unless people beat my games fast enough." Samus replied. "And it's great that you believe in that! However, I do think that there can be balance between being strong and sexy. If you could just lighten up a bit, you'll see what I mean. After all, that's part of this camp's purpose!" Bayonetta added. "Alright, fine. If you say so." Lara said, "Though I will say that this camp doesn't do a good job telling us that, judging by its looks." "Agreed." Samus and Bayonetta replied in unison as they looked around the cabin. "I mean, they have all these tampons lying around as if we're all a bunch of slutty teenagers!" Bayonetta added. "And look at this!" Lara said, pointing to one of the many posters on the walls. The poster she was pointing at depicted a woman with exaggerated features in a bikini, licking a Wii Remote while one of her hands was inserted into her top. "That doesn't look like female empowerment!" Despite its message, it still aroused some laughs into the three girls. "Well at least this doesn't look sexist." Samus said, picking up the small gumball machine on the counter. She twisted the valve (the machine did not require quarters in order to be opened) and popped one of the uniform, white gumballs into her mouth. "Ooh! This flavor!" She said, "Mmm! You guys should try this!" "No thanks. I only chew gum if it's in the center of a lollipop." Bayonetta replied. Lara said nothing. "Ooh! But...why does tasting this make me feel so guilty?" Samus asked, "I mean, I can't help but feel that if my parents were still alive, they would kill me if I told them I'd been eating this stuff. ...But then I'd still keep eating it because of the taste!" Lara picked up the gumball machine and turned it around, studying it until she found a label. "Mystery solved. It says 'Cum-Balls'." She said. Instantly, Samus spit the gum out and watched as it fortunately fell into the trash bin by the door. "No wonder!" She said in shock, "Something tells me that once I leave this camp, my games are going to get much higher content ratings." "Is there even a rating higher than 'M'? Cause I've never gotten higher than that before..." Bayonetta asked. Chapter 4: The Welcome Party: ''~ ~ This Chapter Is Incomplete ~ ~'''''